contemplation

I don't keep my words and decisions and this time I'm glad even though those characteristics mentioned shows immaturity I'm likely to accept them as my own.

after nearly one day of suffering were together again :))

I'm really clueless about the way panda behaved that faithful night but looking at the bright side it bore many realizations in my sanity though i'm really glad i'm still sane after what happened. I figured out it's not that easy to stay and maintain a relationship especially in our case, though loving much is a factor it is not the only requirement one must be very sensitive and observant like a keen eyed eagle to one's partner so as not to tamper disappointments and hurt on their feelings

though no relationship is as perfect as the stories we read on novels and we watched on televisions still those imperfections make your bond perfect because it will shove you to realize the golden value of acceptance.

Everyday that passes as fast as people rushing through the exits and to those future days that will come I'm really trying hard to bring all that spark again though many times I know and expect I'll fail still I will not surrender.

I admit I'm good at fake promises but still I will take my chances.

April 26,2009

Never expect to outgrow loneliness,Never hope to find people who will understand you, someone to fill that space. An intelligent, sensitive person is the exception, the very great exception, If you expect to find people who will understand you, you will grow murderous with disappointment. - white oleander

I never thought in my whole life that I can attain atleast a bit solitude by reading white oleander how very ironic.

It's over and ok I will take on all the blame, I'm the culprit, I'm at fault.I never had a single idea on the whole duration of our relationship that you're the one whose going to leave me, I told you before never spoil me i might get used to it but anyway I'm thankful because I experienced the beauty and the bliss of how it is to fall inlove because of you.

I'm still in a state of shock everytime I awake from the realization that again I'm single alone in this world often times I caught myself staring at space for long periods of time thinking of the great loss that I had, I think in a couple of days, months when school starts were both going to be very busy and forget of the ugly hurtful things that happened, i know in time you will forget about me and the wounds and scars that I planted in your heart I'm really very sorry.

I just hated myself because i had this strong urge to listen to our favorite songs demmit I'll just settle for sad songs so that I can really feel the vibe and not pretend that were still together and everything is alright.

the funny things is i never thought that jealousy will destroy us let alone cause misunderstandings because come on it is very petty. but i respect your feelings and ideas about certain things and I cannot blame you if you thought of it as a vital cause of your hurts and sufferings.

I wanted to cry hard to release all the hurt the pain the disappointment everything but I can't I really just can't it's as if all the sufferings I have here in my heart just wanted to permanently stay and linger, they don't want to be released in the form of salty bitter overflowing tears.

In the end I can't hide the fact that I still love you but I know even after you read this I don't even know if you will take the time anyway it's useless.

where art thy books?

I was supposed to clean my room but stopped because of 2 reasons: first just the mere sight of it makes me sick (not a good excuse) and second i had this strange urge to blog. I'm just here to tell about the past treasures that I once had but due to my carelessness they were either lost,forgotten or misplaced. My beloved and cherished books, when I was a child I had this idea that I would give my collection of books to my future kids sort of like a heirloom but as i grew i realized that hey childbirth is bloodshed painful so I don't want to have kids as for the moment.

here are my books that fell into the clutches of oblivion *chuckles*

*Dracula - I was halfway reading it when my cousin borrowed it from me.
*veronika decides to die
*a walk to remember
*a child called it
*confessions of a teenage baboon
*tuesdays with morrie - i lend it to my classmate and up until now she's still not returning it :))
*harry potter and the sorcerer's stone

i want to retrieve them someday :(

fond memories of my curious mind

I'm really correct on my suspicion that this summer will be one hell of a bore for me, so I prepared myself and bought a couple of books that i can devour on so that boredom will not kill me.The thing is I'm such a big dumbass because truth be told I have become addicted to the internet just as much as those DOTA boys or whatever you may call it type of kids.wtf I have become an internet junkie too.

Anyway i just reminisced the times when I was still a child, I;m so engrossed in reading stuff that catches my interest wheter it be about ancient egyptians,greeks,mythologies,trivias and the likes I even remembered getting an encyclopedia and searched for zeus' family tree that's how curious I am as a child.

but now i'm wrecked, it all started in my pre-adolescent years arggghh I started to have interest in teeny booper magazines gah! that did nothing but poisoned my mind about ideologies on how i can hook my crushes like fishes to my bait it makes me wanna barf.

HOW i wish i can caught my curiosity back i swear i will never let it slip away again ever.

whew!

sa kauna unahang pagkakataon magsusulat ako sa wikang tagalog.siguro naisip mo bakit?wala lang susubukan ko lang kung mailalabas ko lahat ng sama ng loob ko sa pamamagitan ng pagsusulat ng dyornal dito sa lihim kong blog.naiinis ako sa sarili ko dahil sa maraming bagay una mas binibigyan ko ng importansya ang pagbabasa at pagsusulat sa wikang ingles masasabing traydor ako sa sariling wika naisip ko lang nung bata pa ako hanga ako sa mga nagwewelga at mga NPA ewan ko ba?pilit akong nagmamakabayan pero ang lumalabas naman ay ang kabaligtaran masasabi kong isa akong malaking kasinungalingan (what a fake!) pag dating dun.kasi naman matagal ng nanalantay sa dugo ko ang pagiging writer mayabangan ka man o mabasa mo man ito o hindi iyon talaga ang "passion" ko kung ang iba madaming talent sa sports man sayaw o kantahan wala akong ganon ito lang ang nangyaring kabuluhan sa buhay ko ang pagkakamali ko nga lang mas nagbigay pokus ako sa wikang ingles kaya eto hirap na hirap ako magblog ng hindi pa text ang spelling kapag tagalog.

pangalawa pag dating sa buhay pagibig tanga ako hindi lang iyon gaga pa (loser XD) umikot ang buhay ko nung highschool sa mundo ng mga crushes na hindi man lamang lumilingon upang bigyan ako ng pansin may mga ibang naligaw oo naligaw lang para pagtripan ang puso ko kaya ayon nung bagong salta ako sa maynila (parang preso lang ah XD) para magkolehiyo HINDI ako sanay sa istilo ng mga lalake kung pano sila magpahayag ng pagmamahal at oo dun ko nakilala sa kolehiyo ang dalawang tao iyong isa minahal ko sa nakaraan at iyong isa naman mahal ko sa kasalukuyan.

simulan natin si nakaraan. sa kanya ko naranasan ang pait ng tunay na pagmamahal oo minahal ko siya dati sobra hindi ko lang alam kung minahal niya talaga ako. ang pagsisisi ko lang ay hindi ko naipadama yun sa kanya in a way oo may pagkukulang din ako malaki. kaya ng maisipan niyang gumanti ako ang natalo sa huli nang makahanap siya ng iba at naging masaya naging malaking sampal saken yun at oo sobrang nahirapan ako magmove on at aaminin ko andun padin ako sa stage na yun kahit mahigit 2 years na ang nakakalipas pag nagkakamustahan kami hindi maitatago ang bahid ng panghihinayang sa mga nangyari. may ka relasyon na siya ngayon at muka namang masaya siya dito at sa totoo lang ngayon ko lang siya nakitang naging ganito ka seryoso sa babae malayo sa pinakita niya saken dati :))

si kasalukuyan naman aaminin ko nung una hindi ako seryoso sa kanya (oo i know im evil) pero palagi siyang asa tabi ko nung halos dugo na ang iiyak ko dahil kay nakaraan. nagising na lang ako bigla isang araw at naisip ko mahal na mahal ko siya at hindi ko kakayanin na wala siya sa buhay ko. naging napaka saya ng relasyon namin kahit you and me against the world ang drama namin hindi ko maitatanggi na naging masaya at hanggang ngayon masaya ako sa piling niya. lumalabas ang pagiging bata ko pagkasama ko siya. natuto akong magpasensiya ng sobra at halos gawin ko na lahat kahit pahintuin ang oras basta magkasama lang kami.

pero hindi ko alam ang nangyayari samin ngayon epekto lang ba ito ng init ng summer pero nagsisimula ng mag tagulan ah?epekto lang ba ito ng matagal na hindi pagkikita?lahat ba ng magkarelasyon dumadaan sa ganito?kahit ilang beses ako tanungin AYOKO AYOKO AYOKO ayokong maghiwalay kami alam ko matigas ang ulo ko at paninidigan ko talaga yun wag lang siya mawala sa buhay ko.pero bakit ganon napapadalas na ang mga away namin,tampuhan, tiisan ayoko ng ganun ayokong nasasaktan siya dahil saken ang hirap talaga pag madami ka nang alam ******ina pinaglalaruan ka ng utak mo :(

insecurities oo madami ako nun nanalantay na yun sa mga ugat ko. kung alam niya lang, alam mo lang kung gano ako ka insecure sa kanila halos mawalan na ko ng sariling identity kakaisip sa kanya sa kanila :( naiingit ako sa kanila lalo na sa kanya lumaki kasi akong naka install na sa utak ko na hindi ako maganda,matalino,cool inshort loser at alam ko she have all those damn qualities. ang hirap mainggit at magselos at the same time nakaka stress,nakakapagod. At ang pinaka kinaiinggitan ko pa ay nauna siya sa puso mo una mo siyang minahal una mo siyang iniyakan una kang maging masaya sa kanya unang nagsparkle yung mata mo pag tinitingnan mo siya,una kang nainspire dahil sa kanya siya ang nauna lahat sayo yun ang bagay na hindi ko magagawa let alone mapantayan waw nangarap pako gaga talaga :)) kung alam mo lang kung gano kabigat sa pakiramdam malaman yung mga nalaman ko alam kong espesyal siya sayo hindi ko pwedeng alisin yun pero *ucha nagseselos talaga ako mahirap bitiwan ang nakaraan alam ko yan kaya alam ko may parte padin siya sayo na hindi ko pwedeng alisin hindi pwede :(
ilan lang iyan sa mga rason kung bakit nagtataka ka at unti unti akong nagiiba sarili ko ang kalaban ko dito at alam mo sobrang hirap sobra :(

ayokong mabaliw kakaisip i want to find solitude, tulungan mo ko panda,kailangan kita ngayon,AYOKONG mawala ka MAHAL KITA :(

my wonderwall

It's really hard when you know lots of things, like a sly harlequin your mind plays tricks with you it may either lead to positive realizations or stupid and petty accusations yeah the mind really is powerful.After pondering hard and realizing what a great asshole I was suddenly I just wanted to make up with my shortcomings and stupidities, this is not just a promise but a sacred oath I really do love you and I wanted to keep you I will not let those stupid nosy pryers get in our way.I will not give you up.

Everytime i hear this song you're the only person that pops into my crazy mind because I know in myself cheesy as this may sound that you really are the one :)

btw this is just a line from the song:

And all the roads we have to walk are winding
And all the lights that lead us there are blinding
There are many things that I would like to say to you
But I don't know how

Because maybe
You're gonna be the one that saves me
And after all
You're my wonderwall

I know in my heart you're the only one that can save me from myself

i love you

still my mind is restless, my heart is heavy desperately searching for clues that will lead to answers on why this is happening...i don't want to think about it heck i even hate myself for letting it cross and linger in my mind my intuition is whispering in my delicate ears that were heading for something i just hope it's for the better and not for the worst :(

this is probably one of the hundred times that i wish things will return the way they were before but no matter how many stars i wish upon on, how many wishing wells i have thrown coins on i know deep inside that it will never happen but still im hoping and hoping...

i don't want us to end and be similar to those star crossed suffering lovers, i know there's something special about you the first time i realized i love you, i really hope i'm not wrong on that realization because no matter what happen over and over again i know its you i will return to.

ILOVEYOU

i don't want to believe this

Doubt knocks on the doors of my mind everytime we had a misunderstanding, like any other lovestruck human being i shoo it away filled with assurance that yes we are strong if not invincible cliche as it sounds and believed in those stereotypes that always promote happy endings and crappy love stories that seems impossible to exist but I'm wondering while typing this entry am I this desperate to hide my innermost sentiments and feelings to you?was this the sole reason why i have created this "private blog"? and when i learned that you have your own too i did'nt even felt a tinge of hurt that as of the moment we are now keeping things from each other.

was this purely trust?or more of guilty pleasures?

again and again I hated my evil mind

reality bites

note to self:

stop being gullible to persons who you think you admire.They might seem,look,sound and say intelligent stuff the ones that fit your standard of perfection, they might show you intelligent things they can do to impress you and lure you in their trap to move you a little closer until you're in the pit and can't hold back to take the plunge and be lost in their sweet talks and lies, dont be fooled...a good heart is always better than an evil mind.

reason for my long abscence

sunday night:

i feel the chills so i decided not to take a bath (i know it's disgusting) drank paracetamol and after a few hours of like perspiring a bucket of water i felt a little better and foolishly thought hey! it's so easy to recover from a fever (but i'm not aware of the torturous days that i have to go through because of this)

monday morning:

when i woke up from my slumber i automatically peed in the bathroom and felt the burning and painful sensation it surprised the hell out of me and mind you the *ucking feeling is unexplainable i loathe it.

later on when they checked the results of my urinalysis it shows that i have urinary tract infection and that the red and white blood cells in my urine are "too numerous to count"

so my parents opted to have me confined but after pleading like a fool they agreed to let me recuperate here in the house in the condition that i get better before saturday.

monday-thursday
worst days of my life my fever was on and off,peed like hell,drank half a gallon a day 0.0 it's maddening.

friday:
im all better :)

*i know that summer is the verdict of my UTI grrr that's the reason why i'm not thrilled everytime it comes but i guess it has taught me how to love and care for my body better so we're truce XD

dirty little secret

spent the rest of the evening with BB XD it's been a long long time since i have installed something..felt like i was such a stupid loser asking panda instructions for installing anyway it was kinda fun in a way that we set our "issues" apart and just typed,clicked and talked..just like the good ol days ^___________^

im really loving this new blog in a way i can be my real self without anyone finding about my innermost darkest secret *evil laugh* kidding aside i love this blog because of the things i can say here without hurting anyone i guess *snicker*

i'm guessing one of these days this blog will be discovered *fingers crossed*

bittersweet

i'm letting steam in my anger cool off while i'm writing at the moment..it's really funny that at some point of your life there are times that you think you have what you wanted the most but at that very moment your momentous feeling just slams down the drain and you end up feeling empty and sorry for yourself. i should be happy today not just happpy but ecstatic but no i'm feeling the blues, the lowest possible feeling ever and the worst part is this is my first ever post here in my blogger account.


if i could just take a glimpse of the past memories that we had the happy ones, God knows i'll do everything just to have another sip of it.I'll just let this night pass thinking of the reasons why i love and have loved you, so as to save my mind from this bittersweet damnation that will happen if i will persist.