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Dear blog,

it's been a while since I felt yet another heartache, it's been a while since a a tear have rolled over my cheek. it's been a while since I felt like a normal teenage girl suffering from emo sh*tness. I'm on the verge of exploding and yet again she has no clue about it, on the brighter side I'm also happy at least I know I'm still susceptible to pain after months of experiencing pure bliss. I like this tag line from the movie eternal sunshine of the spotless mind "I already forget how I used to feel about you" I don't want to feel this but she seems to be pushing me to feel that way. Yeah I know we are a living contradiction but I also believe that opposite attracts We have proven that to be true after we decided to become lovers but seems as though the sparks are finally loosing their their shine in our relationship. My heart is turning into ice unable to feel and give anything and it sucks.

She doesn't understand me the way she used to, She don't and never tries to understand me. I thought she knew me I thought I knew her.

I want an anesthesia injected to my heart so that it will permanently stay cold and numb, I want to divert my attention to bear with this suffering. I don't want to forget you don't make me.

If only I could turn back time lalala...

not that into you

A Kind of Burning
(Ophelia Dimalanta)

it is perhaps because
one way or the other
we keep this distance
closeness will tug as apart
in many directions
in absolute din
how we love the same
tirvial pursuits and
insignificant gewgaws
spoken or inert
claw at the same straws
pore over the same jigsaws
trying to make heads or tails
you take the edges
i take the center
keeping fancy guard
loving beyond what is there
you sling at the stars
i bedeck the weeds
straining in song or
profanities towards some
fabled meeting apart
from what dreams read
and suns dismantle
we have been all the hapless
lovers in this wayward world
in almost all kinds of ways
except we never really meet
but for this kind of burning.

One of the many poems that touched not only my brain but also my heart! thanks for introducing me to this poem sir tim :)

panda on my mind

I want an anti obsessor NOW as in today ASAP. I really can't decode why I'm behaving so bratty and childish when it comes to dealing with things that involves panda. I mean I'm used to some occasional disappointments and ruined expectations every now and then but when panda is the one who can't keep up with my ridiculous demands and towering expectations I turn into a monster. I can't help it, Even if I know that everytime I do things such as being sarcastic,mean and cold hurts panda deeply I just can't stop, at the back of my mind my pride is telling me that I should get what I want no ifs and buts. That I should be panda's TOP PRIORITY period.

I'm really guilty of being a selfish lover added to that also an obsessed one. I dunno if this feeling is still normal or right but what can I do my system is so used to being with panda, dealing with panda,caring for panda,loving panda. That I can't bear it if I don't see panda even for just a single day.That whenever I get turned down by her I became a monster, giving panda a cold shoulder treatment and crocodile tears.

tell me is this normal?

is this still love?

where can I get an anti obsessor. I need it badly NOW.

you will never be forgotten

how do you handle a loss?I never thought losing someone who has shared their life with you could be this painful and conscientious. Experiences like this always make me regretful leaving me bothered with nostalgic thoughts, with unpleasing experiences brought by selfishness caused by growing up. I can barely remember this feeling because the last time it came to my life was when I was 10 years old, the moment when my favorite grand father died.

I never knew that my last visit would be the last time I can take a glimpse in his thriving life, I'm really ashamed of the past encounters that we have. As a child he really did a good job caring for me and treating me as his own when my parents decided to place me in his custody just so they can attend to their jobs, But as the years pass by as a teenager I really have this gut feeling that he perceived me as a slacker and hard headed kid I can't blame him because of the certain act of stubbornness I show whenever my family came to visit in their house.

I'm talking about my uncle. I never had an ounce of idea of his condition this week but when the moment my mother told me privately of what is reality passing through time. I knew the worst is coming, And for the second time in my life again I felt the feeling of emptiness because of loss.

Death its a natural process,some would say its normal all of us know for a fact that sooner or later we will get to this stage, But what about the memories, the experiences, the encounters that ends because of it.

people like me can never get over a loss.

read between the lines

I'm losing all the patience my fragile heart can hold. I can't bear to live like this being burdened every time something goes wrong. I want to muster enough courage and try even just try to step one foot forward. I know its crazy just merely thinking about it but it feels like I've had enough. I have a headache and its painfully annoying, I need inspiration a fresh brand new start. I don't want to be the aim of nonsense complications. I want my individuality back even for just 1 hour because I felt like I've lost it the moment we shared bad faith.