contemplation

I don't keep my words and decisions and this time I'm glad even though those characteristics mentioned shows immaturity I'm likely to accept them as my own.

after nearly one day of suffering were together again :))

I'm really clueless about the way panda behaved that faithful night but looking at the bright side it bore many realizations in my sanity though i'm really glad i'm still sane after what happened. I figured out it's not that easy to stay and maintain a relationship especially in our case, though loving much is a factor it is not the only requirement one must be very sensitive and observant like a keen eyed eagle to one's partner so as not to tamper disappointments and hurt on their feelings

though no relationship is as perfect as the stories we read on novels and we watched on televisions still those imperfections make your bond perfect because it will shove you to realize the golden value of acceptance.

Everyday that passes as fast as people rushing through the exits and to those future days that will come I'm really trying hard to bring all that spark again though many times I know and expect I'll fail still I will not surrender.

I admit I'm good at fake promises but still I will take my chances.

April 26,2009

Never expect to outgrow loneliness,Never hope to find people who will understand you, someone to fill that space. An intelligent, sensitive person is the exception, the very great exception, If you expect to find people who will understand you, you will grow murderous with disappointment. - white oleander

I never thought in my whole life that I can attain atleast a bit solitude by reading white oleander how very ironic.

It's over and ok I will take on all the blame, I'm the culprit, I'm at fault.I never had a single idea on the whole duration of our relationship that you're the one whose going to leave me, I told you before never spoil me i might get used to it but anyway I'm thankful because I experienced the beauty and the bliss of how it is to fall inlove because of you.

I'm still in a state of shock everytime I awake from the realization that again I'm single alone in this world often times I caught myself staring at space for long periods of time thinking of the great loss that I had, I think in a couple of days, months when school starts were both going to be very busy and forget of the ugly hurtful things that happened, i know in time you will forget about me and the wounds and scars that I planted in your heart I'm really very sorry.

I just hated myself because i had this strong urge to listen to our favorite songs demmit I'll just settle for sad songs so that I can really feel the vibe and not pretend that were still together and everything is alright.

the funny things is i never thought that jealousy will destroy us let alone cause misunderstandings because come on it is very petty. but i respect your feelings and ideas about certain things and I cannot blame you if you thought of it as a vital cause of your hurts and sufferings.

I wanted to cry hard to release all the hurt the pain the disappointment everything but I can't I really just can't it's as if all the sufferings I have here in my heart just wanted to permanently stay and linger, they don't want to be released in the form of salty bitter overflowing tears.

In the end I can't hide the fact that I still love you but I know even after you read this I don't even know if you will take the time anyway it's useless.

where art thy books?

I was supposed to clean my room but stopped because of 2 reasons: first just the mere sight of it makes me sick (not a good excuse) and second i had this strange urge to blog. I'm just here to tell about the past treasures that I once had but due to my carelessness they were either lost,forgotten or misplaced. My beloved and cherished books, when I was a child I had this idea that I would give my collection of books to my future kids sort of like a heirloom but as i grew i realized that hey childbirth is bloodshed painful so I don't want to have kids as for the moment.

here are my books that fell into the clutches of oblivion *chuckles*

*Dracula - I was halfway reading it when my cousin borrowed it from me.
*veronika decides to die
*a walk to remember
*a child called it
*confessions of a teenage baboon
*tuesdays with morrie - i lend it to my classmate and up until now she's still not returning it :))
*harry potter and the sorcerer's stone

i want to retrieve them someday :(

fond memories of my curious mind

I'm really correct on my suspicion that this summer will be one hell of a bore for me, so I prepared myself and bought a couple of books that i can devour on so that boredom will not kill me.The thing is I'm such a big dumbass because truth be told I have become addicted to the internet just as much as those DOTA boys or whatever you may call it type of kids.wtf I have become an internet junkie too.

Anyway i just reminisced the times when I was still a child, I;m so engrossed in reading stuff that catches my interest wheter it be about ancient egyptians,greeks,mythologies,trivias and the likes I even remembered getting an encyclopedia and searched for zeus' family tree that's how curious I am as a child.

but now i'm wrecked, it all started in my pre-adolescent years arggghh I started to have interest in teeny booper magazines gah! that did nothing but poisoned my mind about ideologies on how i can hook my crushes like fishes to my bait it makes me wanna barf.

HOW i wish i can caught my curiosity back i swear i will never let it slip away again ever.

whew!

sa kauna unahang pagkakataon magsusulat ako sa wikang tagalog.siguro naisip mo bakit?wala lang susubukan ko lang kung mailalabas ko lahat ng sama ng loob ko sa pamamagitan ng pagsusulat ng dyornal dito sa lihim kong blog.naiinis ako sa sarili ko dahil sa maraming bagay una mas binibigyan ko ng importansya ang pagbabasa at pagsusulat sa wikang ingles masasabing traydor ako sa sariling wika naisip ko lang nung bata pa ako hanga ako sa mga nagwewelga at mga NPA ewan ko ba?pilit akong nagmamakabayan pero ang lumalabas naman ay ang kabaligtaran masasabi kong isa akong malaking kasinungalingan (what a fake!) pag dating dun.kasi naman matagal ng nanalantay sa dugo ko ang pagiging writer mayabangan ka man o mabasa mo man ito o hindi iyon talaga ang "passion" ko kung ang iba madaming talent sa sports man sayaw o kantahan wala akong ganon ito lang ang nangyaring kabuluhan sa buhay ko ang pagkakamali ko nga lang mas nagbigay pokus ako sa wikang ingles kaya eto hirap na hirap ako magblog ng hindi pa text ang spelling kapag tagalog.

pangalawa pag dating sa buhay pagibig tanga ako hindi lang iyon gaga pa (loser XD) umikot ang buhay ko nung highschool sa mundo ng mga crushes na hindi man lamang lumilingon upang bigyan ako ng pansin may mga ibang naligaw oo naligaw lang para pagtripan ang puso ko kaya ayon nung bagong salta ako sa maynila (parang preso lang ah XD) para magkolehiyo HINDI ako sanay sa istilo ng mga lalake kung pano sila magpahayag ng pagmamahal at oo dun ko nakilala sa kolehiyo ang dalawang tao iyong isa minahal ko sa nakaraan at iyong isa naman mahal ko sa kasalukuyan.

simulan natin si nakaraan. sa kanya ko naranasan ang pait ng tunay na pagmamahal oo minahal ko siya dati sobra hindi ko lang alam kung minahal niya talaga ako. ang pagsisisi ko lang ay hindi ko naipadama yun sa kanya in a way oo may pagkukulang din ako malaki. kaya ng maisipan niyang gumanti ako ang natalo sa huli nang makahanap siya ng iba at naging masaya naging malaking sampal saken yun at oo sobrang nahirapan ako magmove on at aaminin ko andun padin ako sa stage na yun kahit mahigit 2 years na ang nakakalipas pag nagkakamustahan kami hindi maitatago ang bahid ng panghihinayang sa mga nangyari. may ka relasyon na siya ngayon at muka namang masaya siya dito at sa totoo lang ngayon ko lang siya nakitang naging ganito ka seryoso sa babae malayo sa pinakita niya saken dati :))

si kasalukuyan naman aaminin ko nung una hindi ako seryoso sa kanya (oo i know im evil) pero palagi siyang asa tabi ko nung halos dugo na ang iiyak ko dahil kay nakaraan. nagising na lang ako bigla isang araw at naisip ko mahal na mahal ko siya at hindi ko kakayanin na wala siya sa buhay ko. naging napaka saya ng relasyon namin kahit you and me against the world ang drama namin hindi ko maitatanggi na naging masaya at hanggang ngayon masaya ako sa piling niya. lumalabas ang pagiging bata ko pagkasama ko siya. natuto akong magpasensiya ng sobra at halos gawin ko na lahat kahit pahintuin ang oras basta magkasama lang kami.

pero hindi ko alam ang nangyayari samin ngayon epekto lang ba ito ng init ng summer pero nagsisimula ng mag tagulan ah?epekto lang ba ito ng matagal na hindi pagkikita?lahat ba ng magkarelasyon dumadaan sa ganito?kahit ilang beses ako tanungin AYOKO AYOKO AYOKO ayokong maghiwalay kami alam ko matigas ang ulo ko at paninidigan ko talaga yun wag lang siya mawala sa buhay ko.pero bakit ganon napapadalas na ang mga away namin,tampuhan, tiisan ayoko ng ganun ayokong nasasaktan siya dahil saken ang hirap talaga pag madami ka nang alam ******ina pinaglalaruan ka ng utak mo :(

insecurities oo madami ako nun nanalantay na yun sa mga ugat ko. kung alam niya lang, alam mo lang kung gano ako ka insecure sa kanila halos mawalan na ko ng sariling identity kakaisip sa kanya sa kanila :( naiingit ako sa kanila lalo na sa kanya lumaki kasi akong naka install na sa utak ko na hindi ako maganda,matalino,cool inshort loser at alam ko she have all those damn qualities. ang hirap mainggit at magselos at the same time nakaka stress,nakakapagod. At ang pinaka kinaiinggitan ko pa ay nauna siya sa puso mo una mo siyang minahal una mo siyang iniyakan una kang maging masaya sa kanya unang nagsparkle yung mata mo pag tinitingnan mo siya,una kang nainspire dahil sa kanya siya ang nauna lahat sayo yun ang bagay na hindi ko magagawa let alone mapantayan waw nangarap pako gaga talaga :)) kung alam mo lang kung gano kabigat sa pakiramdam malaman yung mga nalaman ko alam kong espesyal siya sayo hindi ko pwedeng alisin yun pero *ucha nagseselos talaga ako mahirap bitiwan ang nakaraan alam ko yan kaya alam ko may parte padin siya sayo na hindi ko pwedeng alisin hindi pwede :(
ilan lang iyan sa mga rason kung bakit nagtataka ka at unti unti akong nagiiba sarili ko ang kalaban ko dito at alam mo sobrang hirap sobra :(

ayokong mabaliw kakaisip i want to find solitude, tulungan mo ko panda,kailangan kita ngayon,AYOKONG mawala ka MAHAL KITA :(